“If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?” – RuPaul
People who feel unlovable will do everything they can to prove that it’s true. Have you ever noticed that? Have you been pushed away in a relationship? Or maybe you’ve been the one doing the pushing, afraid that if the other person only knew what you’ve done, thought, said, believed, etc. — they’d realize you didn’t deserve their love?
Well, I have a couple of truths to lay on you:
- Everyone deserves love.
- You can’t control how someone else feels about you.
- You absolutely can control how you feel about yourself.
Self-love begins with forgiving yourself for past decisions and actions, and that forgiveness begins with the knowledge that you can’t go back and change what happened in the past. What does holding onto it and beating yourself up about it get you? All it gives you is an excuse not to move forward with your life. By holding yourself at the point of transgression and marinating in your own perceived failure, you rob yourself of forward progress toward your goals and of the chance to make new decisions. Maybe you’re afraid those decisions will be “wrong” as well, and that you’ll only make things worse? Ask yourself: how can things be any worse? How can it be worse to try something that might make things better vs. forever encasing yourself in psychological amber at a fixed point in your past that can’t be changed?
You have to forgive yourself. You have to realize that you made the best decision you could with what you had to work with at the time. You have to acknowledge that you can’t move backward and try to fix it — the only way past it is to move forward, to keep making decisions, to keep trying to be better. Every moment is a new chance to change your life. All you have to do is decide you’re ready.
Once you’ve forgiven yourself, you can begin to appreciate how hard you’ve already worked. How much you’ve survived. How incredible you are to have kept going. There’s a spark in you that didn’t quit — as evidenced by the fact that you’re still here — and you can fan that spark into a flame. You’ve survived all that, you’ve earned your place in this world, and there is nothing you can’t do. You keep trying, you want to be better, and you deserve goodness and love.
Loving yourself means being whole within yourself. It means knowing you are a complete and magnificent being. Just because you’re trying to be better and because you want more for yourself, that doesn’t mean anything is missing. It only means you’re becoming fuller and richer. Your light is shining brighter. That little spark has become a warming, nurturing flame. Many spiritual traditions would say that you’re becoming closer to God, clearing out space to become a more open vessel for the light of the Divine.
However you look at it from a spiritual standpoint, self-love and being whole within yourself is a gift not only to yourself, but to the world. When you are complete within yourself, you don’t need another person to complete you. Any relationship you enter into is a choice. Sure, attraction and love go beyond conscious choice, but sharing your life with another person absolutely is a choice. If things aren’t going well, if that relationship makes you feel smaller and dims your light, you have the choice to stay and work on it or to leave. Because you know that in your vastness and in your wholeness, you will survive with or without that relationship. You know you deserve a love that nurtures your growth and that honors all you are and all the incredible work you’ve done.
(And not for nothing, but when you love yourself, you’ll want to treat yourself better, feed yourself better food, move your amazing body in ways that make you feel strong and powerful and brimming with health!)
Just a little something to think about on this St. Valentine’s Day!